I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
