Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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