The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
