I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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