tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
