I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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