There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
