So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize