I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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