How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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