Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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