Welp...herpes.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
