i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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