I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize