i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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