Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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