she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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