I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I hope mine doesn't look like that
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
