you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
