you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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