I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
