Joe is yelling at the trees again.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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