youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
