Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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