I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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