As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
