Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
now i know why i became what i already was.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
