i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Damn victory sex feels great
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