something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
