i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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