Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
