I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
