Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize