Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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