if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I am naked and annoyed.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
