he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
