I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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