Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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