I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
