My sheets look like a crime scene.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
My vagina just recognized that song.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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