Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
