you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
