And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
