wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
