all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Randomize
