I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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