dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
