You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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