Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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