I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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