Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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