the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
