I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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