He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
