Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
