i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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