I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
