that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
